"Don't drink the Kool Aid" or "A judgemental tune"

La la la.

Judgment from Jesus, judgement from God,

judgement from Mohammed to Allah,

extremists keep ruining God for us all.

judgement from us to a woman teaching what she's been taught,

but hey we judge because we are right and she is not.

whatever the case none of God's "judgement" will change me.

but thank GOD my parents aren't that fucking crazy. 

la la la.

Photo by Fred Watford. Words by Chris Hess.

"You're So Vain"

"Damn youngsters and they're microwaves!  Too much time to boil water and cook me the right way eh?!  Ugh.. Now look at me.  I look like the Bay Bridge in 89'.   Ahhh who's gonna eat me now??   Who's gonna slap me between two golden buns and pour sweet sweet ketchup on me when I look like a wrinkled old bratwurst.  I know a doctor down in Boca (normally an exclusive garden burger surgeon) but I hear he has taken on a few Pig-in-a-blanket lipo cases and even experimented in a Sausage Mini-link growth implant procedure.  Perhaps he will be sympathetic to a lady in my predicament.  Oh just you wait!!  I will be appetizing again!  And on that day you'll see me dressed in relish and a smile as I am carried up and down the prestigious runways of Wrigley Field... auctioned off to the highest bidder at top dollar!  They'll offer chile and cheese and it WON'T be necessary!  Humpphh!"

Photo by Amanda Grupp.  Words by Chris Hess.

a conversation about sex

I will preface this with a quote...

"The past is beautiful like the darkness between the fireflies."  

-Mason Jennings

A caucasian couple sit in their apartment:

Laura:  Takes an extended sip of wine.  "No come on you can ask me now.  I asked you my question.  It's only fair."

Andy:  laughing... "Ya and now you probably think I'm this dirt-bag!" 

Laura:  "Well I mean when I was asking you if you ever had a threesome I was thinking about you and two girls, not you, some Zeta skank and Brent.  But uhh, if you and your roommate want to see each other's...

Andy:  "Oh shut it, I did not look at Brent's... 

Laura:   "Dick?"

Andy:  "Yes.  I mean no.. I did not look at his dick. No.  And plus threesomes with one guy and two girls only happens in the movies or to Tommy Lee and shit.........  Ok fine.  I will ask you my question."

Laura:  "Oooo ask away... crossin my heart, hopin to die"

Andy:  "Ha.  I mean, its not, like really a bad thing.  Its just something every guy wonders about his girlfriend..  Have you..... ever .. been with a black guy?"  squints his eyes as if anticipating pictures from a homicide scene are about to flash in front of him.

Laura: "hahahaha.  Thats it?"

Andy:  "Listen I know it sounds funny to ask out loud but...

Laura:  "haha... that's just so random.  Are you prejudice or something..

Andy:  "Hell no!!  You know I am not a racist.  Brandon is one of my best friends."

Laura:  "Brandon is Cuban Andy"

Andy:  "well he is dark as.. well, you know I'm not, shut up...    You haven't answered the question ya know?"

              squints face again preparing...

Laura:  Longer pause than necessary...   "Well ya.  Once."

Andy:  Homicide pictures shown, emotion held in contention now dropped to his stomach.   "You have."

Laura:  "Yes.  I have.  And I'm really not ashamed of it.  He was in a philosophy study group of mine sophomore year and he happened to be very nice and was the smartest one in the group too I might add,, and....

Andy:  "Ok ok ok ok..... stop.  I get it.  He was a stud.  Awesome.  Amazing" 

Laura:  "Ya know you are really coming off like an asshole.. a prejudiced asshole.

Andy:  "Oh stop, don't even talk like I am like that...  listen, I don't care that he is black.  He could be Chinese, Indian, a fuckin smurf.  But if the whole world talked about how smurfs have dongs the size of those mini bats you get at ball games as a kid.. then every boyfriend from sea to shining sea would have some pestering curiosity deep in their minds about whether their sweet girlfriend, their sweet innocent flower of a girlfriend has ever fucked a smurf.  Damn donkey dick havin smurfs!"  

*Author side note:  For a boyfriend to deal with his wandering mind on a daily basis he must convince himself each day that 'his girlfriend' is in fact the one exception to the rule that every girl has at least one skeleton in their closet.  (Usually acquired during their 6 month introduction to the wild world of keg parties.)  Oh yes girlfriends.  Everyday he must win a small battle in his mind that his girl is in fact the one and only sweet, perfectly innocent, delicate flower left.  Note:   Alcohol usually allies with the enemy forces.)  

Laura:  "Wow...  Do you need me to tell you that you have a big dick more often?"

Andy:  shrugs.  "Pshh..  No.  I know I'm fine."

Laura:  "oh do you now big shot?"

Andy:  "Well, why was he bigger than me?   Don't answer that."

Laura:  "oh my god.  You are sweating.  You are really bothered by this!"

Andy:  "Listen.  It's just that I see examples of this on a daily basis.  I mean.."

Laura:  "Uhhh. and just how do you see this on a daily basis??"

Andy:  "I mean,, you see it on porn sites.  Every time you're on a home page at least one "Blacks on Blondes" video will pop up.  Then the screen is bombarded with this little blonde girl and a mag-lite looking python heading straight for her delicate flower...

Laura:  "Pleasssse stop saying delicate flower."

Andy:  "Sorry, but its just intimidating I guess."

Laura:  Pause.      "Sooo you watch porn everyday huh?"

Andy:  rolls eyes.   "oh fuck"

Laura:  "No its fine.  I just thought we had a healthy sex life.  Didn't know you needed to jack off to other chicks.... all the time."

Andy:  "Babe I don't jack off to other chicks."

Laura:  "Oh?  So you think of me when you masturbate?"

Author side note:  Andy in fact does not like to lie to his girlfriend Laura.  However no man can look his girlfriend in the eye and say.  "Yes babe.  I think of you when I masterbate."   The stray exception exists of course.  

Exhibit A) Brett (Andy's roommate)  Yes.  Brett on multiple occasions has 'sturbed' to the thought of his girlfriend Jenn... walking in on him bone-dancing with her smoking hot younger sister Brea.  In his fantasy Jenn contemplates, and concludes that she would rather have it be him then some jerk from his Lacrosse team... she then cooly asks if they would proceed so she can take pictures for her photography class.  A boy can dream eh?  

 Exhibit B)  Clint (captain of Andy's lacrosse team) Clint actually had quite the doozie in this example and technically it was not his gf, but we'll still count it.  In the locker room after practice, after he thought everyone had left he had caught a glimpse of Sarah walking to the girl's locker room from cheerleading practice.   Wearing those shorts that she rolled up just enough so that about a half-inch of her butt cheeks would show,, displaying each cheek like a perfect slice of apple. Sarah and Clint had actually broken up from a 2 year relationship the day before.  (No need to get too deep with backstory... boy gets scholarship to college far away, thinks he's in for more strange than he can handle and there ya have it.  Bye bye h.s. sweetheart.)  Those shorts always got Clint though.   So he scoured for lubricant.  No lotion.  Damn!  Conditioner!  Bingo!  Like a temptress herself waiting there for Clint to undress her, the conditioner bottle winked and pouted at Clint.  "Shit!"  Oddly enough the conditioner in the boy's locker room shower was finito!  Clint eyed the soap begrudgingly and went to town.  About forty seconds later Clint was done.  There he stood.  In the single shower stall, in silence.  Handful of suds and what not and the pathetic reality that he had just masterbated to the thought of his ex-girlfriend..  That combined with the burning sensation he was feeling from the soap doing the "Stuka" down his urethra was enough to set him to tears.  Clint began to weep.  It was mid-sob that assistant Coach Peters walked into the locker room.  Coach Peters was expecting his routine post-practice shower, and instead caught his team captain crying naked with an erection and what looked like a rabies-ridden right hand.  As I said, Clint had quite the doozie.  But back to our loving couple....

Andy:  "ahh can we just change the subject.  This was a shit idea."

Laura:  "Yes that's probably a good idea."

A couple moments of silence later...

Andy:  "Ok was the stereotype true?"

Laura:  "Well..

Andy:  "Don't answer that."

Photo by Sadie Myers.  Words by Chris Hess.

Bim Bom

Delisa and I picked grapes from the granada vineyards.

i imagined them the same fields Lorca wrote his 1,000 poems to the moon.

i imagined that moon was the same he sang to in the arms of his lovers,

before the civil war took his tongue.. 

We had one more glass of wine, and another, our teeth baby beets.

Delisa reads me his words first in spanish and then in my own tongue for a diluted version of Frederic's hallucinations.   

an entire summer we chased eachother through the grape vines,

an entire summer we wore no shoes.

we drank red wine and named the stars as though they were our children.

we knew they were offspring of the moon and the ocean,

yet as the words of Lorca became ghosts tangible in the june wind

so did my bond with Delisa.  On the summer solstice my love for Delisa and my infatuation with the idea of Delisa came together at the hip and sambaed their way into a destined conception.  Her father called it a bastard... out of a love he'd never known a baby was born.

 Words by Chris Hess.  Photo by Sadie Myers.

Walk With Me

To my Sadie,

  Walk with me now dear.  I take it we follow the others.  Somehow I feel I'll know just where to go.  I wanted to write you because you need to know.. I won't let you go at this alone.    So bare with me, I have never been the talker between us.  I knew my place and I played it well.  And you loved me for it as sweet reward.  Say Sadie, remember that blue dress you wore the first night we made it?  Brightest thing in the room next to those eyes of yours.  Ha, could have had any schmuck in the room but fate deemed me the lucky one.  

 

        So walk with me now dear.  I'll tell you the story of us one more time.  The booze didn't cloud my memories.  I never took too much to drinking.  Often wondered how your little body could take it all.  But I loved watching you.  The life of the party.  And well you had your one indiscretion, but I thought it the price to pay for trying to tame such a wild one.  I forgave you years ago and haven't mentioned it since.  And till recently you remained the life of the party.  Oh Sadie you may be weak now but just wait.  I know a place.   

  So walk with me now dear.  Age is a son of a bitch I know but he gave us all we can still remember.  And hell sometimes I think maybe he is just God's misunderstood brother... forever pegged the scapegoat. And the devil, romanticized through cheap thrills, is portrayed by handsome young actors in Hollywood.  Ah Age, the unlucky bastard.  He wore you well but I think all your nights chasing the devil had to catch up Sadie.  And I think its time to go...

  So walk with me now dear.  I take it we follow the others.  Somehow I feel we'll know just where to go.  How bout you put on that blue dress.  The one you wore to the Chateau Vellion in 64'.  Oh you look like a star in that dress.  I'll wear that suit you picked out for me.  Ha, that damn top hat a size too small for this melon but I wore it anyway,, anytime you asked me to.  Put on that blue dress Sadie.  You look like a star ya know?  All eyes in the room on you.  And yours on me.  We don't move like we used to do we?  All is well my little wild one.  Follow my lead.  I take it we just watch the others.  I feel we'll know just where to go...

Always yours,

D.

Photo by Sadie Myers.  Words by Chris Hess.