Calm

It's scary out there, isnt it?

---But, you must...

----

How can you ever come to hate beauty so much you refuse to step into it?

I stray away from all color and light

that might make me better,

might bring me closer the truest form of myself.

I know it. I feel the push of my human fear stretch and pull me from

the hot, sweaty, fucking difficult let-go of the shit that confines me.

The shadows I shroud like blankets.

And by “shit” and “shadows” I mean, all that I hold onto that makes me feel comfortable

and by “comfortable” I mean, in that way that soothes me against taking risks

and by “risks” I mean, doing the things that will actually make me a better person

and by “things that will make me better” I mean, things I will not share with you

because they are too personal.

----

I stand two feet from all the color and light

because I might like my grey self better.

I own this dark.

I own this pain.

I lick these wounds, tear open the scabs

and let the blood flow daily.

This is my dark corner to brood and hold on, so fuck off.

Your color and light can go fuck themselves with all their potential to illuminate and bring truth.

Ya know what color and light are?

They are meant to distort and clothe in a shade that is not my own.

Light is blinding and color bends.

If I step out there I will no longer be myself.

----

I hate the color and light because if I dare step two feet into truth

I will find I hate myself.

I will face the color I am.

I will see what I have become.

---

I think (at some point) we have all hated the beauty we must walk into.

----

It's scary out there.

But you must go into it. 

Photo by Fred Watford. Words by Jordan Lane Shappell.