Like her.

I laced up my tap shoes and started towards the floor.

I kicked him, mostly. 
But I was sloppy.
I would aim for one part of his body and hit another. 
Stupid
I might have broken my toe if his ribs had been just a bit more firm. 
He was weak.
Really weak.

I knew that surely if I hit the marks the way my sister could I would win her heart.  

When the ambulance drove by I remember thinking,
Boy, that siren is loud.
I wish they wouldn't drive through residential areas.
Rosalind Drive surely isn't the quickest route to General Medical ...
(a beat)
I had no idea that my son was in that ambulance.

She never really liked me. 
I don't know why. 
I just... 
Well, I wanted her to like me.
I guess.

The first time he walked, my parents were so excited. 
I was getting ready for Spring recital. 
There I was in the hallway in pink tights and a tutu crying my eyes out as my parents cheered for him in the living room. 
I shouldn't have been so jealous. 
It was silly of me. 
But I was a kid. 
That's what kids do, right?

I didn't realize that it was such a big deal, a boy dancing. 
I always liked watching her dance. 
I wanted to do it, too. 
That's all. 

I told him not to dance. 
No son of mine is gonna be no quee...
(pause) 
That's all I'll say. 
I'm not saying that other boy was right er nothing. 
I'm just saying, I told him... 
Not. 
To. 
Dance.

I'm not gay. 
At least, I don't think that I am. 
And anyway I know this one gay boy in my class and he hates to dance.

I mean, yeah, I regret it. 
I didn't realize that it would be such a big deal. 
I just hate seeing that sort of thing. 
Me and my friends, we were all gonna teach him a lesson and stuff. 
But when I looked up, they were all just sort of watching me. 
They looked...
Like,
Scared of me or something. 

It hurt a lot. 
And then I don't remember.

He almost died. 
I had never had a patient that was that bad. 
At least not from another human... 
And these were just kids. 
I mean...
What are they teaching these kids nowadays?
I just...

I think I learned...
To be careful. 
I have to be careful when I want to be myself. 
I guess.

Photo by Sadie Myers.  Words by Dustin Whitehead.