Idiot, Step Rightly

Listen to me. You're an idiot. And a fuck up.
Yes, you are a million rolling seas inside your skin.
Turning over ideas and changing feelings.
Raging an inconstant lust and self-destroyed heart.
You swallow all feelings and wash around confusion.

But do not mistake inconstancy for fear.
You see yourself tarnished, incapable of shine,
so you ensure everyone else will too.
You actualize this shitty idea of yourself
by projecting out deprecation in your relationships.
You mirror yourself through others eyes.

You're not getting better. You're pushing further away from safety.
You're a liar. And a cheat.
You convince yourself you cannot love.
You convince yourself the heart is not capable of more than itself.
It's only a machine, pulsing and pushing the blood through you.
Muscle that cannot be stretched or grown.
It beats until it withers. Shrivels into the palms of your hands,
then put it in your pockets or throw it away
because no one could surely have liked it. Its just a thing.
Not flowers that could bloom, not Spring or the seasons that change.
Just a thing.

Listen to me. From this point on, I am simply stone,
gravel under your feet to kick and pass. I don't mean anything worth sitting next to.
I cannot give any more sage advice. It's not my responsibility, nor my right.

But moving forward stop hiding behind the excuse that no one will ever- no one could ever- I can
never- no one exists- I'm just this way- I'm only confused- I'm not this thing-

You're not getting what you want.
So when you came to sit next to me for a time, I enjoyed it.
I really did.
I'm still sitting. You're not.
So going forth and step rightly.
Don't come back.
And please, damnit, step rightly.

Photo by Michael Seminer.  Words by Jordan Lane Shappell.